Deejay

You have said that you can cut people out
That you drain what they have and then leave
You can discard the shells as you suck others
Seeking the vessel that will not empty
Perhaps you think this is the way that you work
Finding one stimulation and moving to the next
Perhaps this is part of the way that you operate
While waiting for the shape that will see into you
Cutting people out implies an emotional ice
That does not seem to be in your possession
The lack of emotion the severance would imply
Does not equate with your reservoirs of passion
To be able to scream into the thick silence
Looking desperately for some pressure release
To shake and convulse hoping the pain will pass
To try to drown the sorrow and all it entails
All of these moments when you seemed overwhelmed
When you faced the fear and anger and horror
When you bravely stayed on the chosen path
Requires a courage that is not emotionally bereft
I think you choose the path you want to be on
Sometimes that means disassociating from others
You are cutting them out of your immediate sphere
But, you are not cutting them out of you

Introvert

Broken and torn and confused and upset
So many layers almost dying to get out
The shapes do not seem to match with their lines
Damaged dreams create foggy tries

Scratching the surface to find meaning inside
Your body is bruised and sore as you try
You feel so much that your skin may explode
And, yet looking around, you feel so alone

Your eyes are haunted by wisps and clouds
of images that you held and then that went out
You question their existence as you look for your own
It is no wonder as you look that you feel so alone

Inherently Mine

What qualities are inherently mine?

I think that I inherently love and need PEOPLE. I believe I have a rather singular capacity for compassion and empathy. I believe I am able to trust. I am able to connect. Inherently, I seem to enjoy life. When left to my own devices and when I do not worry about what others think or where they are at, I LOVE FUN. And, I am fun. I don't believe that I am inherently the life of the party. But, I believe that where there is fun-there I should be. And, I add to the fun. I believe that when I am accurate to myself, people are better because of me being in their lives. Inherently I can listen to people and really HEAR what they are saying. I believe I see redeeming qualities in pretty much everyone. I value my ability to see things from multiple perspectives. It is mine to adore someone. I have that capacity. I believe that often people miss me when I am gone. I think I have something to offer a room. I have the natural capacity to REMEMBER. I notice details and I remember the important ones (and the trivial ones at times). When related to people, this links to my ability to help others to feel their own VALUE. And, it is in me to value people! I can see so much in others. And, I love having people around me. Not to say that I don't have some inherent parts of me that revel in quiet and calm and alone. But, I am more ME with other people around. I am not shy. I think that a lot of people know bits about me and that a few know a lot about me. Inherently, I talk. I chatter. Freud would relate this to a complex rooted in the oral stage :), due to my cleft palate. But, even when my mouth is moving, I have the ability to notice what is around me and who is around me and the way they are responding to their environment. That is inherently mine.

Stopping to ask for directions

Torn apart by unseen forces
with places and faces I cannot see
Conflicted within and without
damaged by chasms existing in me

Fighting demons and angels
Not trusting even what I breathe
Battleworn and weary of not knowing
If this is a conflict in which I believe

How can I find or even hope to know
If there are any truths to what I see
If I am so busy searching and looking out there
That I never uncover the accuracy of me

How did I arrive at this strange place?
Where I do not trust what I see or feel.
I do not trust my perceptions and other's even less
There seems to be no compass for what is real

fragmented

I have let you into me and somehow it seems
that now I cannot let you all the way in
If I do not get out and discover what is in me
Yet, I have already let you in to such depths
That the thoughts of pulling you out
Create quaking flashes of sorrow and pain
I feel trapped by my own conflicted ways
Meanwhile, you just want to feel and have me
I cannot allow that because I can see
That there is no value in your version of me
For that version is only fragments of the whole
It is lacking the essence and the entirety of her
That mystical being that I aspire to be
The person that I can identify in the mirror
Through sideways glances and a quickening pulse
I desire to give and to be given to
I ache to be part of some partnered whole
But, how can I partner if I do not have the sum
of all of my fragmented parts...

Some of my thoughts

Sometimes I find that I chase my own thoughts around my head and that can be confusing. (That sentence could be confusing....)

So, getting them down and out of my head seems to allow for a better and more accurate perspective.

These are some of the thoughts that seem to crop up a lot and cause some friction and traffic in my brain:

• I think that religion seems to cause significantly more problems than it solves. And, for some reason, this seems to encourage people to seek it out even more. What a conundrum! There seems to be something in the organization set-up that seems to erode the roots of the religion. It is likely that most religions have pure roots. Yet, the act of creating and organizing and bringing in so many human elements seems to create divisive and dangerous and often unseen fissures.

• The surface of things seems to be so choppy, much like the ocean. It seems as though there is much value in getting below the surface. You know, when you dive down into the ocean a bit, there is calm. Underneath the waves, you can find the natural ebb and flow of the waters. You don't have to go to the bottom. There is much to be garnered from places that are beneath the surface but that are still visible from the surface.

• I really crave calm sometimes. I am finding, though, that peace and calm exist in ME. Perhaps it is woven throughout the edifaces. Perhaps it lingers at the bottom of the chasms that exist within me. Maybe that is why I occasionally have to plunge into them. It sure seems as though we cannot avoid the plunging into our personal caverns. Those that avoid them too much seem to live in a perpetual state of denial. Those that go spelunking in their own caves too often seem to get disoriented and lost in the darkness. Neither avoidance or overindulgence seems to be productive. But, exploration and coming up for air seems to be necessary to growth and survival.

These are just a few of the paths weaving through my skull..........

Showering in Broken Glass

Steamy and sharp it falls upon me
collapsing with the weight of the inner fight
The shards slice through the conditioned skin
And swirl through the events of the night
With only mediocre relief in sight

Scorching the first layer of me
Stabbing the outside with reality scenes
Turning to find comfort in the warmth
Only to be faced with waking dreams
And faceless images wondering what this means

Slowly, slowly, slowly...the glass breaks in
Those top layers begin to strip away
Perhaps there are answers to be found here
As fragrant images collapse into place
Cutting with accuracy the events of the day

The sultry air is encompassing now
Wet and stinging it shows its ways
There seems to be solace in the truth of this
Even if it reveals the impotence and pain
Glass and blood slowly, slowly, slowly swirl down the drain.