Balancing Act (ing)

So, I have been thinking about the core of who we are and what we stand for. I think that everyone has a truth within themselves that is the most accurate part of them. I think that lots of people term it as different things and that it doesn't really matter what we call it...so long as we acknowledge and honor it. Whether we call it our spirit, our soul, our authentic self, our core, our truth, our inner light, our pure person, our person, our divinity...whatever the name...it exists. And, our happiness is linked to how in tune our life is with that part of us. In psychology, we talk about congruence. That you cannot have peace unless there is congruence in your life. If you believe something (and it is truly what you believe), you cannot go against it without it causing some incongruence within you. Sometimes, it is called 'Cognitive Dissonance'. Really, it just means we are imbalanced...or out of balance.

So, how do we act balanced?

And, then, is it just acting?

Can you 'act' balanced...and not be accurate? I guess this is like 'faking calm' a bit. I recently said to someone that I cannot fake calm. I mean, a person (particularly one who is used to putting on a bit of a show or pleasing others or being socially correct), can have a calm demeanor...even when they have oceans of inner turmoil. I am not proclaiming that I don't at times "put on a happy face" or act as though I am calm even when I am not. However, my body does not experience peace and calm that is not real or solid. It cannot. I cannot deceive my own body. I can skirt around it and I can deny it (which I am getting better at not doing...but, still need more practice...). But, I cannot fake it.

I used to get crap for being fake (Jennifer knows specifically what I am referencing). I really did not see a point in taking my stuff (whatever I was dealing with on my own, behind the scenes, at home...whatever) out on other people. So, I think that I overcompensated quite a bit for a lot of years. And, that came across as fake at times. I even got diagnosed with this (NOT kidding!). I had one of Kevin's therapists tell me that I am so nice and so helpful and so giving...that there will be times that I could be perceived as not being possible...nobody could be THAT _____ (fill in happy, glowing adjective).

Back to my point...I don't mind the occasional ramble, though...

We all have a part of us that needs to find balance. We need to find whatever our balance is. That is what so much of our life is about. I think that we spend a majority of our time (whether we are conscious of it or not...unfortunately, often not...) trying to figure out where our accuracies are. We have a lot of conditioned versions of what the terms should be and what things should look like that will equal happiness/peace/balance/authentic.

I think, though, that it is a different frequency for most of us. And, that there is an art and a life pursuit in finding the frequency that gets you the most in tune with YOU. Many of us get lost in the thoughts of connecting with others. While that should deservedly be a passionate goal, if it becomes the focus, then we will never achieve it completely. It will eclipse the possibility of being in tune with the most inner truths in YOU. It seems a bit backward to say that we will get the best results with others by being self-centered. But, we will. Not in our conditioned thinking of self-centered. But, truly centered on the self within.

While there may be several near fits and lots of things that get us closer to ourselves, I do think that there is an ideal frequency in each of us that allows people to come together in a stunning orchestra of blended harmony. When each of us is in tune to our particular individual frequency, I think that creates the most broad and delicious opportunities to be in tune with each other.

And, THAT is worth a life pursuit. And, THAT is as memorable and stunning as the most divine visual in existence. And, THAT is what I want.

Deerhunter

What a pity and a waste to go through a stunning forest

and not know there are deer there.

How dismaying to be so unaware.

How pathetic to be looking at something and not see it at all.

Knowing that deer make their home among the trees

is imperative to experiencing their beauty and truth.

But, what of the ones who are aware of the deer and go hunting for them?

It is intriguing to note that the deer tend to hide from them.

As though the deer can sense that their safety is being threatened.

As though their natural truths are being compromised.

So, are those that hunt the deer much better off in the end

than the ones who are not even aware that deer exist?

Perhaps. But, by how much?

Being aware is only the first step toward beauty and truth.

What of those who know the deer exist-

And, who use that awareness to create the space for the deer

to come out and display their natural selves?

Perhaps those that do not go hunting for the deer

are abel to find so many more.

And, when they do happen upon them and discover them,

they will be seeing them in their true and glorious state.

Perhaps this is how life's truths are uncovered.

Not by being unaware

Not by hunting

But, by allowing them to come forth

in their most natural state.

Questions

How will we get through this thickness and distraction

How will we uncover the parts that are ours

How will we create the space we deserve

Why is it not something that we get to have

Where is the land of fairy tale dreams

Where are the places where emerald eclipses the pain

Where is our nook to see through to the golden sky

How will we escape the tormenters

Why are we surrounded by so many

Why are the few so powerful that they feel like many

Why do we give them the power to take

How do we reclaim that power and tell them no

How do we turn and see what is really there

Where are the lenses of reality

Where is the glory and hope of accuracy

Where is the land that provides us respite

Where is the pocket of cozy, tucked in dreaming

Why does this so often feel like a fight

Why do we not get to keep the moments that are ours

The moments that are tinged in crimson and silver

And wrapped in jewels and gold

Where is the place that we get to enjoy the journey

Where do we get to uncover the map to our destination

With excitement, intrigue and mysterious delight

Why do we not get to have what is ours

Why is it being taken away

Are we among those that are taking it away

How do we stop the cycle of destruction

How do we uncover the foundation that we feel

That our subtle bodies can tingle and respond to

How do we stick to the truths that are rooted in us

Not the way they have been portrayed

Not the way they have been conditioned

Not the way they have been stunted

How do we go with our intrinsic and pure truths

Why is this being taken away

And, are we inadvertently part of those taking

R.I.P. : Caretaker

That one-she's a real caretaker.

She will always share her toys.

She's a peacemaker.

That one-she's a real caretaker.

She will always be the first to help.

She's a great example.

That one-she's a real caretaker.

Do you like taking care of others?

You sure do it well.

That one-she's a real caretaker.

You see who she married?

That's perfect for her.

Because that one-she's a real caretaker.

You are that kind of girl.

The one who takes care of everyone else.

Yeah, that one-she's a real caretaker.

It starts to sound like an insult after a while.

As though it has poisonous veins.

That one-she's a real caretaker.

Do they write that on her headstone?

When she dies an untimely death?

That one-she's a real caretaker.

They attribute it to a sudden heart attack.

Maybe it was stress. We thought she was healthy.

But that one-she's a real caretaker.

Perhaps her heart gave up on finding

A way to care about others without taking care of them.

You know-cause she's a real caretaker.

Her natural gifts were exploited and misshaped.

Minimized and categorized into others' roles.

Until the first day she heard-she's a real caretaker.

She heard it a lot after that.

And, she saw it in all of their eyes.

That one-she's a real caretaker.

She felt it in their praise and their delighted smiles.

As they slowly pressed the edges of their roles onto her edges.

That one let it happen-cause she's a real caretaker.

Lots of times she has believed that this is what she is.

Living her life so that others can live theirs less somehow.

Letting her be-the one who's a real caretaker.

This will kill her someday.

It will slowly overtake the edges of her role

Until all she is equals a real caretaker.

If that happens, she will cease to exist and her heart will stop.

They will chalk it up to stress or natural causes.

There's not a line on the death certificate for-real caretaker.

Nobody will quite realize why their lives are more difficult.

Why they have more to do and how somehow they are getting to be more them.

They will be missing her-the real caretaker.

And yet, she is robbing them, too somehow.

For the caretaker allows them to put the edges of their roles onto her.

Yes, she's a robber-the real caretaker.

She is a robber and she is a victim.

She must reclaim her natural gift of caring.

You know-she's a real caretaker.

Not anymore. She must be a real care-er.

And, leave the taking aside.

My Choose Your Own Adventure

Why is it that at important or epochal moments I have tears in my eyes?

This morning, I dropped Kaia and Brennan off at school. It is Brennan's second day of second grade and Kaia's first day of first grade. Exciting, right?! It was. They were alight with anticipation and allure.

So, why did I leave with shining, wet eyes and a barely contained quiver in my lip? I understand that there are many joyous moments that I feel tears coming as though they are literally overflowing from my inner well. I know that there are many excruciating moments that are so painful that the tears seem to come from some internal volcano that erupts when it gets too full.

But, this experience seems like a blend. It seems to be as though there is some volleying back and forth between the well and the volcano. Which is accurate? Probably both. Why do both of these extremes exist in this life moment?

I wonder if I cry partly because I am mourning something. What could I be mourning? Am I mourning lost time? Do we cry because the time that has past was not used to its fullest potential? I wonder if perhaps there is a part of me that knows that as I watch these two little ones embark on this next phase of their adventure, that I have not always been wise or prudent or protective of the time and the times we have had available to us. Have I always been where I needed to be? Well, that's a resounding no. And, I don't necessarily expect perfection. But, are my tears partly because I realize how far I have to go...and I am concerned about who is paying the price for that. I know that ultimately Brennan and Kaia (and Elise) will do well and I know that they have tender and unparalleled feelings for me. Perhaps I am mourning for myself. Perhaps there is a selfish conceptualization of realizing that while they can develop and will succeed well beyond this, I have let go many moments that could have been MORE. Where do they go to? You cannot reclaim them. You cannot retrace your steps and experience the moments more fully, more passionately, or more intensely. You cannot go back and think that perhaps you should have picked the other option in this 'Choose Your Own Adventure' of ours. I don't really know for sure. I guess that's part of the mystery.

Perhaps my tears are also for the celebration. While I think the larger portion is mourning, I recognize that the gloriously sweet moment of looking at their faces and having them wondrously say goodbye to me as they literally skip off to their worlds is delightfully epic. I celebrate THEM. I celebrate Brennan as he patiently holds the door for Kaia and wants to show her the ropes of where to line up and how to play on the big kids' playground. I celebrate Kaia as she revels in her older brother, as she excitedly chatters about all that she is looking forward to, as she says "I'm going to do great in the first grade! I am going to be an AWESOME first grader!" Absolutely, Kaia! Indeed you are!

I am trying to allow all of this to come into me. I want to experience it. I don't want to temper or minimize or categorize or catastrophize or over-analyze or let go of any of these parts. I want to allow for all of them. I want to fully experience the moment of having them blow me kisses and then leave me on the other side of the glass doors watching them run off, as I hold Elise's little hand as she stands beside me. I want to let all of the feeling of looking down at Elise's just turned 3 face and seeing her hot pink pacifier (we call it a suckie) and seeing her pink silky blanket that Amy made her (that's Elise's silkie) trailing behind her in an almost Linus-fashion. I want to allow for the amazement of the parts of these little cubs that I have contributed in shaping and I want to allow for the dread of the parts that I am not as proud of having helped shape. I want to allow for the terror of the moment that I have to let Elise walk through those doors and I have to walk away alone.

Perhaps this may seem melodramatic to some. However, I think it would be foolish and very, very human of me to not allow it all to come through. Perhaps the fear that it is dramatic is a sign that culturally we have tried to not feel completely. Perhaps we only allow the shadowy versions of these feelings and experiences to come through because the intensity can be intimidating and we are not taught what to do with them and how to do it. So, instead we try to put it on a shelf and label it neatly so that it will fit.

But, real life and real people and real interactions are not fitted and neat. Emotions and human experiences are often messy and muddy and can be difficult to wade through. I don't want to wade through them. I want to let myself get really dirty so that I know that I lived through them and that I let them live through me.

I am so pleased with my little ones today. And, I am so terrified for having to let go of more little parts of them. And, I won't trade it for anything--because I get so much return on my investment in these threads of my little cubs. There is never a bad investment...only ones that are not made.

My favorite

This is probably my favorite of my own writing:

A Matter of Time

Breaking into silence

As the world around crashes

Life exceeds its images

As all things fade with it

As all things fade with it

A narrow path continues

A tattered boy shouts the news

Buildings stand and stare

Stars glisten in frozen air

Stars glisten in frozen air

Time spins round on empty clocks

Leaving life behind

Frightened by what might come

Knowing its a matter of time

Shallow breaths leave closed mouths

Tears can find their way somehow

Smiles greet and grin and leave

Passersby aren't sure what to be

Passersby aren't sure what to be

Leaves turn round on howling wind

Neighbors laugh and let you in

Behind facades the ticking slows

A small girl shivers in the cold

A small girl shivers in the cold

Time spins round on empty clocks

Leaving life behind

Frightened by what might come

Knowing its a matter of time

The green seems to fade somehow

And yet, the flowers blossom out

Earths revolve around their suns

As a mother bids farewell

As a mother bids farewell-to her son

Conflicted Jenna

I had my last night of my current class tonight. Those who know me well know that I am pretty damn open with what is going on in my life or has gone on in my life and giving people some of the bare facts of things (even if I don't always give them the emotion involved). So, those who attend school with me learn fairly quickly some of the basics of my life and many of the things that have contributed to where I am at now.

I had a conversation with my instructor after class. I was visiting with some of the other class members and the instructor, Greg, said he wanted to talk to me and he had some feedback for me if I didn't mind. Although my first thought was that I would get reamed for my lack of timeliness on assignments, of course my curiosity was far too overwhelming. So, I waited until everyone else talked to him and said their goodbyes and then walked out with him. Now, he and I had some conversations throughout the course of the class and of course there is always my using my life as examples for many of the discussion topics.
Well, Greg got straight to the point. He said that he had observed that I was currently in this huge life struggle between the unhealthy Jenna from the past (my childhood, my conditioning, my marriage, etc) and the healthy Jenna trying and scratching and fighting to emerge. He said that he wished he had a crystal ball or something so that he could be privy to how it was going to play out. He said that he is pretty confident that the healthy Jenna will win, but that he can see the enormity of the conflict. He talked about how amazing the potential me he sees is and how he just really wants to see how it comes forth.
I appreciated his candor and told him so and then we talked about some of the specifics.

THIS is the crux of what is going on in my life right now. There is this consistent internal battle between doing what I need to do in order to access the healthy Jenna versus doing what my conditioning or my guilt or my past or my negative self-talk or the negative people around me influence me to do. This is really, really, REALLY what I am doing internally in almost every moment of every day. I am fighting to get the most healthy Jenna to get the hell out of all of the chaotic noise around me and some of what's in me.

I get to choose healthy. It is not always easy. In fact, most of the time, it's ridiculously difficult. But, I GET TO CHOOSE. I have never liked anybody playing the victim role. But, society often allows this in subtle, manipulative ways. I get to choose to be healthy. I do not have to feel guilt for doing the things that will get Healthy Jenna out. Because healthy Jenna is a rockstar mother, friend, lover, sister, daughter, grand-daughter, & PERSON. I get to be her. And, it's not the her that someone else tells me about. It's the healthy her that is inherently there.

I am fascinated by human dynamics and why people do what they do and how groups influence people and how our internal structure shapes us. I think it's a little funny that the instructor was so fascinated by ME. But, mostly I am appreciative that he noticed some of the nuances and paid attention to what was beneath the surface and what wants to surface.