R.I.P. : Caretaker

That one-she's a real caretaker.

She will always share her toys.

She's a peacemaker.

That one-she's a real caretaker.

She will always be the first to help.

She's a great example.

That one-she's a real caretaker.

Do you like taking care of others?

You sure do it well.

That one-she's a real caretaker.

You see who she married?

That's perfect for her.

Because that one-she's a real caretaker.

You are that kind of girl.

The one who takes care of everyone else.

Yeah, that one-she's a real caretaker.

It starts to sound like an insult after a while.

As though it has poisonous veins.

That one-she's a real caretaker.

Do they write that on her headstone?

When she dies an untimely death?

That one-she's a real caretaker.

They attribute it to a sudden heart attack.

Maybe it was stress. We thought she was healthy.

But that one-she's a real caretaker.

Perhaps her heart gave up on finding

A way to care about others without taking care of them.

You know-cause she's a real caretaker.

Her natural gifts were exploited and misshaped.

Minimized and categorized into others' roles.

Until the first day she heard-she's a real caretaker.

She heard it a lot after that.

And, she saw it in all of their eyes.

That one-she's a real caretaker.

She felt it in their praise and their delighted smiles.

As they slowly pressed the edges of their roles onto her edges.

That one let it happen-cause she's a real caretaker.

Lots of times she has believed that this is what she is.

Living her life so that others can live theirs less somehow.

Letting her be-the one who's a real caretaker.

This will kill her someday.

It will slowly overtake the edges of her role

Until all she is equals a real caretaker.

If that happens, she will cease to exist and her heart will stop.

They will chalk it up to stress or natural causes.

There's not a line on the death certificate for-real caretaker.

Nobody will quite realize why their lives are more difficult.

Why they have more to do and how somehow they are getting to be more them.

They will be missing her-the real caretaker.

And yet, she is robbing them, too somehow.

For the caretaker allows them to put the edges of their roles onto her.

Yes, she's a robber-the real caretaker.

She is a robber and she is a victim.

She must reclaim her natural gift of caring.

You know-she's a real caretaker.

Not anymore. She must be a real care-er.

And, leave the taking aside.

My Choose Your Own Adventure

Why is it that at important or epochal moments I have tears in my eyes?

This morning, I dropped Kaia and Brennan off at school. It is Brennan's second day of second grade and Kaia's first day of first grade. Exciting, right?! It was. They were alight with anticipation and allure.

So, why did I leave with shining, wet eyes and a barely contained quiver in my lip? I understand that there are many joyous moments that I feel tears coming as though they are literally overflowing from my inner well. I know that there are many excruciating moments that are so painful that the tears seem to come from some internal volcano that erupts when it gets too full.

But, this experience seems like a blend. It seems to be as though there is some volleying back and forth between the well and the volcano. Which is accurate? Probably both. Why do both of these extremes exist in this life moment?

I wonder if I cry partly because I am mourning something. What could I be mourning? Am I mourning lost time? Do we cry because the time that has past was not used to its fullest potential? I wonder if perhaps there is a part of me that knows that as I watch these two little ones embark on this next phase of their adventure, that I have not always been wise or prudent or protective of the time and the times we have had available to us. Have I always been where I needed to be? Well, that's a resounding no. And, I don't necessarily expect perfection. But, are my tears partly because I realize how far I have to go...and I am concerned about who is paying the price for that. I know that ultimately Brennan and Kaia (and Elise) will do well and I know that they have tender and unparalleled feelings for me. Perhaps I am mourning for myself. Perhaps there is a selfish conceptualization of realizing that while they can develop and will succeed well beyond this, I have let go many moments that could have been MORE. Where do they go to? You cannot reclaim them. You cannot retrace your steps and experience the moments more fully, more passionately, or more intensely. You cannot go back and think that perhaps you should have picked the other option in this 'Choose Your Own Adventure' of ours. I don't really know for sure. I guess that's part of the mystery.

Perhaps my tears are also for the celebration. While I think the larger portion is mourning, I recognize that the gloriously sweet moment of looking at their faces and having them wondrously say goodbye to me as they literally skip off to their worlds is delightfully epic. I celebrate THEM. I celebrate Brennan as he patiently holds the door for Kaia and wants to show her the ropes of where to line up and how to play on the big kids' playground. I celebrate Kaia as she revels in her older brother, as she excitedly chatters about all that she is looking forward to, as she says "I'm going to do great in the first grade! I am going to be an AWESOME first grader!" Absolutely, Kaia! Indeed you are!

I am trying to allow all of this to come into me. I want to experience it. I don't want to temper or minimize or categorize or catastrophize or over-analyze or let go of any of these parts. I want to allow for all of them. I want to fully experience the moment of having them blow me kisses and then leave me on the other side of the glass doors watching them run off, as I hold Elise's little hand as she stands beside me. I want to let all of the feeling of looking down at Elise's just turned 3 face and seeing her hot pink pacifier (we call it a suckie) and seeing her pink silky blanket that Amy made her (that's Elise's silkie) trailing behind her in an almost Linus-fashion. I want to allow for the amazement of the parts of these little cubs that I have contributed in shaping and I want to allow for the dread of the parts that I am not as proud of having helped shape. I want to allow for the terror of the moment that I have to let Elise walk through those doors and I have to walk away alone.

Perhaps this may seem melodramatic to some. However, I think it would be foolish and very, very human of me to not allow it all to come through. Perhaps the fear that it is dramatic is a sign that culturally we have tried to not feel completely. Perhaps we only allow the shadowy versions of these feelings and experiences to come through because the intensity can be intimidating and we are not taught what to do with them and how to do it. So, instead we try to put it on a shelf and label it neatly so that it will fit.

But, real life and real people and real interactions are not fitted and neat. Emotions and human experiences are often messy and muddy and can be difficult to wade through. I don't want to wade through them. I want to let myself get really dirty so that I know that I lived through them and that I let them live through me.

I am so pleased with my little ones today. And, I am so terrified for having to let go of more little parts of them. And, I won't trade it for anything--because I get so much return on my investment in these threads of my little cubs. There is never a bad investment...only ones that are not made.

My favorite

This is probably my favorite of my own writing:

A Matter of Time

Breaking into silence

As the world around crashes

Life exceeds its images

As all things fade with it

As all things fade with it

A narrow path continues

A tattered boy shouts the news

Buildings stand and stare

Stars glisten in frozen air

Stars glisten in frozen air

Time spins round on empty clocks

Leaving life behind

Frightened by what might come

Knowing its a matter of time

Shallow breaths leave closed mouths

Tears can find their way somehow

Smiles greet and grin and leave

Passersby aren't sure what to be

Passersby aren't sure what to be

Leaves turn round on howling wind

Neighbors laugh and let you in

Behind facades the ticking slows

A small girl shivers in the cold

A small girl shivers in the cold

Time spins round on empty clocks

Leaving life behind

Frightened by what might come

Knowing its a matter of time

The green seems to fade somehow

And yet, the flowers blossom out

Earths revolve around their suns

As a mother bids farewell

As a mother bids farewell-to her son

Conflicted Jenna

I had my last night of my current class tonight. Those who know me well know that I am pretty damn open with what is going on in my life or has gone on in my life and giving people some of the bare facts of things (even if I don't always give them the emotion involved). So, those who attend school with me learn fairly quickly some of the basics of my life and many of the things that have contributed to where I am at now.

I had a conversation with my instructor after class. I was visiting with some of the other class members and the instructor, Greg, said he wanted to talk to me and he had some feedback for me if I didn't mind. Although my first thought was that I would get reamed for my lack of timeliness on assignments, of course my curiosity was far too overwhelming. So, I waited until everyone else talked to him and said their goodbyes and then walked out with him. Now, he and I had some conversations throughout the course of the class and of course there is always my using my life as examples for many of the discussion topics.
Well, Greg got straight to the point. He said that he had observed that I was currently in this huge life struggle between the unhealthy Jenna from the past (my childhood, my conditioning, my marriage, etc) and the healthy Jenna trying and scratching and fighting to emerge. He said that he wished he had a crystal ball or something so that he could be privy to how it was going to play out. He said that he is pretty confident that the healthy Jenna will win, but that he can see the enormity of the conflict. He talked about how amazing the potential me he sees is and how he just really wants to see how it comes forth.
I appreciated his candor and told him so and then we talked about some of the specifics.

THIS is the crux of what is going on in my life right now. There is this consistent internal battle between doing what I need to do in order to access the healthy Jenna versus doing what my conditioning or my guilt or my past or my negative self-talk or the negative people around me influence me to do. This is really, really, REALLY what I am doing internally in almost every moment of every day. I am fighting to get the most healthy Jenna to get the hell out of all of the chaotic noise around me and some of what's in me.

I get to choose healthy. It is not always easy. In fact, most of the time, it's ridiculously difficult. But, I GET TO CHOOSE. I have never liked anybody playing the victim role. But, society often allows this in subtle, manipulative ways. I get to choose to be healthy. I do not have to feel guilt for doing the things that will get Healthy Jenna out. Because healthy Jenna is a rockstar mother, friend, lover, sister, daughter, grand-daughter, & PERSON. I get to be her. And, it's not the her that someone else tells me about. It's the healthy her that is inherently there.

I am fascinated by human dynamics and why people do what they do and how groups influence people and how our internal structure shapes us. I think it's a little funny that the instructor was so fascinated by ME. But, mostly I am appreciative that he noticed some of the nuances and paid attention to what was beneath the surface and what wants to surface.

Remembering Why

November 2005 - Get piccline (permanent I.V.) in my arm (threads its way to my heart) due to the quantity of my pregnancy sickness with Elise. Officially diagnosed with hyperemesis. Have to go on disability leave from Chili's to try to maintain pregnancy.
(end of) February 2006 - Kevin moves down to California to stay with my parents and start a new job. He finally has a job that he wants. He will be a sound guy for a pro-audio company out of Pasadena. I stay in Utah with the kids (Brennan is 4 and Kaia is 2 1/2).
March 2006 - I prepare to move down to California with the kids. I still have the piccline and I am still on disability. I give notice to landlord, pack the house, and arrange for moving everything. Kevin works for two weeks at job in Pasadena. A couple of days before the move, I find out that he is quitting the job. It is not what he expected. It is hard and he doesn't like it. But, he'll find another. I move down with the kids. My brother-in-law and a friend of the family load the moving van on their own (it happened to be pouring rain that night).
April 2006 - All four of us in my parents house. We are in two rooms. Not too bad.
April 2006 - The SHAKING. This is the month that I started having the shaking episodes. Every day when I hooked up for my mandatory rehydration i.v. time, I would get really cold from the inside out. I would shake and convulse uncontrollably for about an hour. I couldn't NOT hook up to the I.V. because I was so sick that it would have been dangerous to Elise for me to not be getting fluids (I was vomiting a minimum of 15 times a day. Maximum was 24 I think). The shaking was EXCRUCIATING. I got conditioned to start to feel tense as my body would prepare for the time I had to hook up to the i.v. It was the most consistently horrific pain I have ever felt. And, there was nothing I could do. It took the doctors about six weeks of this to figure out that there was an infection somewhere on the route of my piccline. So, every time I hooked up to the i.v., it would push the infection into my heart and pump it throughout my body.
May 2006-They removed the infected line and put in a new one via the other arm.
May 2006 - Adam returned from his mission. He moved into my parent's house. By this time, Tyler had moved in as well. Kevin still does not have a job. We are living off of my income from Chili's (good thing I was salaried).
June 2006 - Elise is born on June 7. I was a little distressed about the possibility of her being born on June 6 of 2006 (6/6/06). But, she wasn't. In retrospect, it really wouldn't have mattered, but tell that to pregnancy hormones.
July 2006 - Drove up to Lander (Wyoming) for Kevin's 10 year reunion.
July 2006 - August 2006 - Kevin is in three different psych wards throughout Southern California for a week to ten days each. Each visit is prefaced by suicidal/aggressive behavior. He is very, VERY addicted to pain pills. He is stealing a minimum of half a dozen Percocet a day from my dad (when he's not in the hospital). For the record, my dad actually does have chronic pain.
July 2006 - I start back at Chili's. I go back as a server and asst manager rather than a manager due to Kevin's volatility and needs. I cannot commit the time and attention to management.
August 2006 - The kids see Kevin taken away in handcuffs by the police.
September 2006 -Brennan and Kevin move to Springville and move in with Kevin's parents (Kay & Shirley). I stay back to keep working and save money.
September 2006 - Kevin has another seizure while I am still in California.
October 2006-Me and the girls move to Springville. We are all living in Kay & Shirley's house. It is a four bedroom, 1600 square foot house. Kevin's sister, Amy, is already living there with her husband and two boys in the basement's two bedrooms. So, the five of us move into the only free room upstairs. The kids bunkbeds go in there. Kevin sleeps in there with Brennan and Kaia and I sleep on the couch with Elise, because I am nursing and she still wakes up frequently. We lived this way until September of 2007.
December 2006-June 2007-Kevin taken by police in handcuffs twice.
December 2006-August 2007 - Heath is Kevin's therapist. He finally diagnosis Kevin as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), rather than bi-polar. In August, Heath gets transferred to Idaho.
Summer of 2007-Brennan sees Kevin threaten himself with Kay's gun and with a knife.
October 2007-The five of us and Kevin's parents move to a bigger house in Springville. Amy & her husband buy their own place.
Winter 2007-Kevin is accused by a girl at the restaurant Charlie (Amy's husband) owns of forcing her to kiss him in the walk-in fridge.
October 2007-Kevin starts working with Rick from Wasatch Mental Health. Kevin doesn't like Rick because he isn't Heath.
October 2007-Kevin starts working at Mountain Rock Music.
November 2007-Kevin stabs wall and throws knives. Brennan witnesses this. Police come to the new house.
December 2007-Kevin's paternal grandmother dies. Kevin, Brennan & Kaia were really close to her. Brennan & Kaia experience the death of someone close to them for the first time.
December 2007-March 2008-Various anger explosions from Kevin. Kids see him throw things, break things, and yell explosively almost every day. Elise starts to notice and respond. I have to leave work a couple of times to go fix things at home.
March 2008-Shirley starts talking about suicide on an almost daily basis. She and Kevin are conflicting every day regarding his narcotic abuse, his volatility, and her mood swings (due to brain injury received in 2004).
March 2008-I arrange for Kevin to spend 10 days in California with my family to give him a break (and give Shirley and us a break in Utah). While in California, Kevin again steals large quantities of pills from my dad.
April-May 2008-Kevin and Shirley are consistently at odds. She cries every day. One or both of them threaten suicide (or "not being on the earth" or "I just won't do this anymore") every single day. The kids are not oblivious.
May 2008-Adam's wedding in California. Various blow-ups. Kevin does not go down to San Diego for the wedding. I take the kids on my own. At the reception (Kevin is the deejay), he blows up a couple of times because of equipment struggles. Refuses to play and sing the song he wrote for Adam & Liz. Kevin takes tons of pills. At this point, my parents let him have them so that he won't flip out at home. Tyler hears Kevin threaten the kids.
Beginning of June 2008-I move into my friend, Caraline's house with the kids. The day I move out, Shirley tries to kill herself. She says I am breaking up the family.
Mid-End of June 2008-Caraline's house is super chaotic. People tell the kids that it is their fault. I let them go to Maynard's without me for two weeks. I bounce around with friends and find a place.
July 3, 2008-Move into 2 br/1 ba Provo apartment. I give the girls one room, Brennan the other and I sleep on the couch. I am so happy to have a place I can shut and lock the front door.
July 2008-Chaos as we try to get settled.
July 2008-Grandma Shirley tells Brennan that "Mommy makes her crazy".
Fall 2008-Grandma Shirley volleys between wanting them there and having breakdowns (while she helps watch them at times). The kids hear a lot of the chaos. Including where Daddy & Grandma blame Mommy for what is happening. They question the kids regarding my comings and goings.
December 2008-I move them to West Jordan and they change counties and school settings. Bigger apartment. Tons less chaos.
Winter 2008 and spring 2000-They hear Daddy cry a lot during their visits because of Mommy "not loving him".
Spring 2009-Brennan starts seeing school psychologist at new elementary school.

There is more...but, that is the gist of things.

Deejay

You have said that you can cut people out
That you drain what they have and then leave
You can discard the shells as you suck others
Seeking the vessel that will not empty
Perhaps you think this is the way that you work
Finding one stimulation and moving to the next
Perhaps this is part of the way that you operate
While waiting for the shape that will see into you
Cutting people out implies an emotional ice
That does not seem to be in your possession
The lack of emotion the severance would imply
Does not equate with your reservoirs of passion
To be able to scream into the thick silence
Looking desperately for some pressure release
To shake and convulse hoping the pain will pass
To try to drown the sorrow and all it entails
All of these moments when you seemed overwhelmed
When you faced the fear and anger and horror
When you bravely stayed on the chosen path
Requires a courage that is not emotionally bereft
I think you choose the path you want to be on
Sometimes that means disassociating from others
You are cutting them out of your immediate sphere
But, you are not cutting them out of you

Introvert

Broken and torn and confused and upset
So many layers almost dying to get out
The shapes do not seem to match with their lines
Damaged dreams create foggy tries

Scratching the surface to find meaning inside
Your body is bruised and sore as you try
You feel so much that your skin may explode
And, yet looking around, you feel so alone

Your eyes are haunted by wisps and clouds
of images that you held and then that went out
You question their existence as you look for your own
It is no wonder as you look that you feel so alone