My favorite

This is probably my favorite of my own writing:

A Matter of Time

Breaking into silence

As the world around crashes

Life exceeds its images

As all things fade with it

As all things fade with it

A narrow path continues

A tattered boy shouts the news

Buildings stand and stare

Stars glisten in frozen air

Stars glisten in frozen air

Time spins round on empty clocks

Leaving life behind

Frightened by what might come

Knowing its a matter of time

Shallow breaths leave closed mouths

Tears can find their way somehow

Smiles greet and grin and leave

Passersby aren't sure what to be

Passersby aren't sure what to be

Leaves turn round on howling wind

Neighbors laugh and let you in

Behind facades the ticking slows

A small girl shivers in the cold

A small girl shivers in the cold

Time spins round on empty clocks

Leaving life behind

Frightened by what might come

Knowing its a matter of time

The green seems to fade somehow

And yet, the flowers blossom out

Earths revolve around their suns

As a mother bids farewell

As a mother bids farewell-to her son

Conflicted Jenna

I had my last night of my current class tonight. Those who know me well know that I am pretty damn open with what is going on in my life or has gone on in my life and giving people some of the bare facts of things (even if I don't always give them the emotion involved). So, those who attend school with me learn fairly quickly some of the basics of my life and many of the things that have contributed to where I am at now.

I had a conversation with my instructor after class. I was visiting with some of the other class members and the instructor, Greg, said he wanted to talk to me and he had some feedback for me if I didn't mind. Although my first thought was that I would get reamed for my lack of timeliness on assignments, of course my curiosity was far too overwhelming. So, I waited until everyone else talked to him and said their goodbyes and then walked out with him. Now, he and I had some conversations throughout the course of the class and of course there is always my using my life as examples for many of the discussion topics.
Well, Greg got straight to the point. He said that he had observed that I was currently in this huge life struggle between the unhealthy Jenna from the past (my childhood, my conditioning, my marriage, etc) and the healthy Jenna trying and scratching and fighting to emerge. He said that he wished he had a crystal ball or something so that he could be privy to how it was going to play out. He said that he is pretty confident that the healthy Jenna will win, but that he can see the enormity of the conflict. He talked about how amazing the potential me he sees is and how he just really wants to see how it comes forth.
I appreciated his candor and told him so and then we talked about some of the specifics.

THIS is the crux of what is going on in my life right now. There is this consistent internal battle between doing what I need to do in order to access the healthy Jenna versus doing what my conditioning or my guilt or my past or my negative self-talk or the negative people around me influence me to do. This is really, really, REALLY what I am doing internally in almost every moment of every day. I am fighting to get the most healthy Jenna to get the hell out of all of the chaotic noise around me and some of what's in me.

I get to choose healthy. It is not always easy. In fact, most of the time, it's ridiculously difficult. But, I GET TO CHOOSE. I have never liked anybody playing the victim role. But, society often allows this in subtle, manipulative ways. I get to choose to be healthy. I do not have to feel guilt for doing the things that will get Healthy Jenna out. Because healthy Jenna is a rockstar mother, friend, lover, sister, daughter, grand-daughter, & PERSON. I get to be her. And, it's not the her that someone else tells me about. It's the healthy her that is inherently there.

I am fascinated by human dynamics and why people do what they do and how groups influence people and how our internal structure shapes us. I think it's a little funny that the instructor was so fascinated by ME. But, mostly I am appreciative that he noticed some of the nuances and paid attention to what was beneath the surface and what wants to surface.

Remembering Why

November 2005 - Get piccline (permanent I.V.) in my arm (threads its way to my heart) due to the quantity of my pregnancy sickness with Elise. Officially diagnosed with hyperemesis. Have to go on disability leave from Chili's to try to maintain pregnancy.
(end of) February 2006 - Kevin moves down to California to stay with my parents and start a new job. He finally has a job that he wants. He will be a sound guy for a pro-audio company out of Pasadena. I stay in Utah with the kids (Brennan is 4 and Kaia is 2 1/2).
March 2006 - I prepare to move down to California with the kids. I still have the piccline and I am still on disability. I give notice to landlord, pack the house, and arrange for moving everything. Kevin works for two weeks at job in Pasadena. A couple of days before the move, I find out that he is quitting the job. It is not what he expected. It is hard and he doesn't like it. But, he'll find another. I move down with the kids. My brother-in-law and a friend of the family load the moving van on their own (it happened to be pouring rain that night).
April 2006 - All four of us in my parents house. We are in two rooms. Not too bad.
April 2006 - The SHAKING. This is the month that I started having the shaking episodes. Every day when I hooked up for my mandatory rehydration i.v. time, I would get really cold from the inside out. I would shake and convulse uncontrollably for about an hour. I couldn't NOT hook up to the I.V. because I was so sick that it would have been dangerous to Elise for me to not be getting fluids (I was vomiting a minimum of 15 times a day. Maximum was 24 I think). The shaking was EXCRUCIATING. I got conditioned to start to feel tense as my body would prepare for the time I had to hook up to the i.v. It was the most consistently horrific pain I have ever felt. And, there was nothing I could do. It took the doctors about six weeks of this to figure out that there was an infection somewhere on the route of my piccline. So, every time I hooked up to the i.v., it would push the infection into my heart and pump it throughout my body.
May 2006-They removed the infected line and put in a new one via the other arm.
May 2006 - Adam returned from his mission. He moved into my parent's house. By this time, Tyler had moved in as well. Kevin still does not have a job. We are living off of my income from Chili's (good thing I was salaried).
June 2006 - Elise is born on June 7. I was a little distressed about the possibility of her being born on June 6 of 2006 (6/6/06). But, she wasn't. In retrospect, it really wouldn't have mattered, but tell that to pregnancy hormones.
July 2006 - Drove up to Lander (Wyoming) for Kevin's 10 year reunion.
July 2006 - August 2006 - Kevin is in three different psych wards throughout Southern California for a week to ten days each. Each visit is prefaced by suicidal/aggressive behavior. He is very, VERY addicted to pain pills. He is stealing a minimum of half a dozen Percocet a day from my dad (when he's not in the hospital). For the record, my dad actually does have chronic pain.
July 2006 - I start back at Chili's. I go back as a server and asst manager rather than a manager due to Kevin's volatility and needs. I cannot commit the time and attention to management.
August 2006 - The kids see Kevin taken away in handcuffs by the police.
September 2006 -Brennan and Kevin move to Springville and move in with Kevin's parents (Kay & Shirley). I stay back to keep working and save money.
September 2006 - Kevin has another seizure while I am still in California.
October 2006-Me and the girls move to Springville. We are all living in Kay & Shirley's house. It is a four bedroom, 1600 square foot house. Kevin's sister, Amy, is already living there with her husband and two boys in the basement's two bedrooms. So, the five of us move into the only free room upstairs. The kids bunkbeds go in there. Kevin sleeps in there with Brennan and Kaia and I sleep on the couch with Elise, because I am nursing and she still wakes up frequently. We lived this way until September of 2007.
December 2006-June 2007-Kevin taken by police in handcuffs twice.
December 2006-August 2007 - Heath is Kevin's therapist. He finally diagnosis Kevin as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), rather than bi-polar. In August, Heath gets transferred to Idaho.
Summer of 2007-Brennan sees Kevin threaten himself with Kay's gun and with a knife.
October 2007-The five of us and Kevin's parents move to a bigger house in Springville. Amy & her husband buy their own place.
Winter 2007-Kevin is accused by a girl at the restaurant Charlie (Amy's husband) owns of forcing her to kiss him in the walk-in fridge.
October 2007-Kevin starts working with Rick from Wasatch Mental Health. Kevin doesn't like Rick because he isn't Heath.
October 2007-Kevin starts working at Mountain Rock Music.
November 2007-Kevin stabs wall and throws knives. Brennan witnesses this. Police come to the new house.
December 2007-Kevin's paternal grandmother dies. Kevin, Brennan & Kaia were really close to her. Brennan & Kaia experience the death of someone close to them for the first time.
December 2007-March 2008-Various anger explosions from Kevin. Kids see him throw things, break things, and yell explosively almost every day. Elise starts to notice and respond. I have to leave work a couple of times to go fix things at home.
March 2008-Shirley starts talking about suicide on an almost daily basis. She and Kevin are conflicting every day regarding his narcotic abuse, his volatility, and her mood swings (due to brain injury received in 2004).
March 2008-I arrange for Kevin to spend 10 days in California with my family to give him a break (and give Shirley and us a break in Utah). While in California, Kevin again steals large quantities of pills from my dad.
April-May 2008-Kevin and Shirley are consistently at odds. She cries every day. One or both of them threaten suicide (or "not being on the earth" or "I just won't do this anymore") every single day. The kids are not oblivious.
May 2008-Adam's wedding in California. Various blow-ups. Kevin does not go down to San Diego for the wedding. I take the kids on my own. At the reception (Kevin is the deejay), he blows up a couple of times because of equipment struggles. Refuses to play and sing the song he wrote for Adam & Liz. Kevin takes tons of pills. At this point, my parents let him have them so that he won't flip out at home. Tyler hears Kevin threaten the kids.
Beginning of June 2008-I move into my friend, Caraline's house with the kids. The day I move out, Shirley tries to kill herself. She says I am breaking up the family.
Mid-End of June 2008-Caraline's house is super chaotic. People tell the kids that it is their fault. I let them go to Maynard's without me for two weeks. I bounce around with friends and find a place.
July 3, 2008-Move into 2 br/1 ba Provo apartment. I give the girls one room, Brennan the other and I sleep on the couch. I am so happy to have a place I can shut and lock the front door.
July 2008-Chaos as we try to get settled.
July 2008-Grandma Shirley tells Brennan that "Mommy makes her crazy".
Fall 2008-Grandma Shirley volleys between wanting them there and having breakdowns (while she helps watch them at times). The kids hear a lot of the chaos. Including where Daddy & Grandma blame Mommy for what is happening. They question the kids regarding my comings and goings.
December 2008-I move them to West Jordan and they change counties and school settings. Bigger apartment. Tons less chaos.
Winter 2008 and spring 2000-They hear Daddy cry a lot during their visits because of Mommy "not loving him".
Spring 2009-Brennan starts seeing school psychologist at new elementary school.

There is more...but, that is the gist of things.

Deejay

You have said that you can cut people out
That you drain what they have and then leave
You can discard the shells as you suck others
Seeking the vessel that will not empty
Perhaps you think this is the way that you work
Finding one stimulation and moving to the next
Perhaps this is part of the way that you operate
While waiting for the shape that will see into you
Cutting people out implies an emotional ice
That does not seem to be in your possession
The lack of emotion the severance would imply
Does not equate with your reservoirs of passion
To be able to scream into the thick silence
Looking desperately for some pressure release
To shake and convulse hoping the pain will pass
To try to drown the sorrow and all it entails
All of these moments when you seemed overwhelmed
When you faced the fear and anger and horror
When you bravely stayed on the chosen path
Requires a courage that is not emotionally bereft
I think you choose the path you want to be on
Sometimes that means disassociating from others
You are cutting them out of your immediate sphere
But, you are not cutting them out of you

Introvert

Broken and torn and confused and upset
So many layers almost dying to get out
The shapes do not seem to match with their lines
Damaged dreams create foggy tries

Scratching the surface to find meaning inside
Your body is bruised and sore as you try
You feel so much that your skin may explode
And, yet looking around, you feel so alone

Your eyes are haunted by wisps and clouds
of images that you held and then that went out
You question their existence as you look for your own
It is no wonder as you look that you feel so alone

Inherently Mine

What qualities are inherently mine?

I think that I inherently love and need PEOPLE. I believe I have a rather singular capacity for compassion and empathy. I believe I am able to trust. I am able to connect. Inherently, I seem to enjoy life. When left to my own devices and when I do not worry about what others think or where they are at, I LOVE FUN. And, I am fun. I don't believe that I am inherently the life of the party. But, I believe that where there is fun-there I should be. And, I add to the fun. I believe that when I am accurate to myself, people are better because of me being in their lives. Inherently I can listen to people and really HEAR what they are saying. I believe I see redeeming qualities in pretty much everyone. I value my ability to see things from multiple perspectives. It is mine to adore someone. I have that capacity. I believe that often people miss me when I am gone. I think I have something to offer a room. I have the natural capacity to REMEMBER. I notice details and I remember the important ones (and the trivial ones at times). When related to people, this links to my ability to help others to feel their own VALUE. And, it is in me to value people! I can see so much in others. And, I love having people around me. Not to say that I don't have some inherent parts of me that revel in quiet and calm and alone. But, I am more ME with other people around. I am not shy. I think that a lot of people know bits about me and that a few know a lot about me. Inherently, I talk. I chatter. Freud would relate this to a complex rooted in the oral stage :), due to my cleft palate. But, even when my mouth is moving, I have the ability to notice what is around me and who is around me and the way they are responding to their environment. That is inherently mine.

Stopping to ask for directions

Torn apart by unseen forces
with places and faces I cannot see
Conflicted within and without
damaged by chasms existing in me

Fighting demons and angels
Not trusting even what I breathe
Battleworn and weary of not knowing
If this is a conflict in which I believe

How can I find or even hope to know
If there are any truths to what I see
If I am so busy searching and looking out there
That I never uncover the accuracy of me

How did I arrive at this strange place?
Where I do not trust what I see or feel.
I do not trust my perceptions and other's even less
There seems to be no compass for what is real

fragmented

I have let you into me and somehow it seems
that now I cannot let you all the way in
If I do not get out and discover what is in me
Yet, I have already let you in to such depths
That the thoughts of pulling you out
Create quaking flashes of sorrow and pain
I feel trapped by my own conflicted ways
Meanwhile, you just want to feel and have me
I cannot allow that because I can see
That there is no value in your version of me
For that version is only fragments of the whole
It is lacking the essence and the entirety of her
That mystical being that I aspire to be
The person that I can identify in the mirror
Through sideways glances and a quickening pulse
I desire to give and to be given to
I ache to be part of some partnered whole
But, how can I partner if I do not have the sum
of all of my fragmented parts...

Some of my thoughts

Sometimes I find that I chase my own thoughts around my head and that can be confusing. (That sentence could be confusing....)

So, getting them down and out of my head seems to allow for a better and more accurate perspective.

These are some of the thoughts that seem to crop up a lot and cause some friction and traffic in my brain:

• I think that religion seems to cause significantly more problems than it solves. And, for some reason, this seems to encourage people to seek it out even more. What a conundrum! There seems to be something in the organization set-up that seems to erode the roots of the religion. It is likely that most religions have pure roots. Yet, the act of creating and organizing and bringing in so many human elements seems to create divisive and dangerous and often unseen fissures.

• The surface of things seems to be so choppy, much like the ocean. It seems as though there is much value in getting below the surface. You know, when you dive down into the ocean a bit, there is calm. Underneath the waves, you can find the natural ebb and flow of the waters. You don't have to go to the bottom. There is much to be garnered from places that are beneath the surface but that are still visible from the surface.

• I really crave calm sometimes. I am finding, though, that peace and calm exist in ME. Perhaps it is woven throughout the edifaces. Perhaps it lingers at the bottom of the chasms that exist within me. Maybe that is why I occasionally have to plunge into them. It sure seems as though we cannot avoid the plunging into our personal caverns. Those that avoid them too much seem to live in a perpetual state of denial. Those that go spelunking in their own caves too often seem to get disoriented and lost in the darkness. Neither avoidance or overindulgence seems to be productive. But, exploration and coming up for air seems to be necessary to growth and survival.

These are just a few of the paths weaving through my skull..........