You know, I am a bit of a people pleaser. (Go ahead, go into apoplectic shock at this incredible revelation...)
As a result, I have often in my life avoided conflict and I have often given in when faced with being challenged by someone I care about. Now, don't get me wrong, here. I don't mean that I give in entirely or that I change my viewpoints for someone else all the time. Oh, hell no. What it means is that I have often had the fear that someone won't 'like' me if I disagree with them publicly. So, I haven't really practiced this.
When I left Kevin, it was one of the first major times that I publicly called out the elephant in the room and disagreed with how it was handled. I hated the way everybody (including me at the time) pandered to his mental illness and to his cries for sympathy and to his seeming inability to get to a healthy place. I say "seeming" because that's all B.S. He was more than capable of getting off his butt and doing something about it. I am not denying or minimizing his mental and life struggles. But, he is not the possessor of a mental illness that is completely out of one's locus of control. But, that line of thinking is for another post...
It was NOT popular when I called the elephant in the room an elephant and when I said that I was tired of being trampled by this elephant. In fact, I started to get trampled by those who wanted to avoid this elephant at all costs (are you following my stretched out analogy??) I began to feel bruised and battered and I questioned whether I was even capable of knowing an elephant when I saw one (...and you thought I couldn't stretch the analogy any more....HA!). However, I learned that I am capable. I had many, many occasions where I had to look in the mirror and say "You are not crazy. You know what you have experienced. Other people denying those things does not negate them. There are many who love and support you. There are many who know of your efficacy. And, YOU are NOT crazy. You have intellect and insight. You are a good person. You are not evil. You are a wonderful mother who is trying her very best."
(...and, You're good enough, You're smart enough, & doggone it, people like you!....)
So, what do all these tangents have to do with the "Glory of Debate"? Well, allow me to keep tangent-ing toward my point (Yes, I make up words like tangent-ing...I prefer the term 'growing' words...)
The past three years have offered me a wealth of opportunities to know myself and to discover my own set of beliefs. They have been years that have been fraught with learning opportunities and with growth moments. In other words, they have been HARD.
And, in true 'human nature' form, I am extremely grateful for them and for the lessons I have learned...and, with all that gratitude present, I'd still like a break for a few months ;)...
I've learned that my opinions matter. I've learned that I have valid observations and thought processes. I'm learning that it does not mean you are fighting if you don't agree with someone. I've learned that love does not have to be conditional or contingent on AGREEING.
These may sound like obvious statements. And, they are things that I got to learn a bit in college when I had roommates. I loved all that I learned from those years. But, I was learning a basic, more shadowy version of the solid truths that I am finally stepping into. I finally believe in ME enough to feel the truth that has been present all along.
Back to the analogy (no, I do not like to let things die...I much prefer dragging them on ;), I have learned to call my own elephants when I see them. And, I have learned that I don't need to put up with those that cannot do that to themselves. I don't need to go all crazy and be mean or exclude people because they are not willing to see their own stuff. But, I realize that more than anything lately, I value those that can see their own elephants and are trying to corral them and not pretending that they really belong to that circus down the street. And, I value those who can see my elephants...but, can also see me in my various get-ups (cause we KNOW that I like to play dress-up!) trying to grab hold of the elephants and make them my lovable creatures, rather than stomping, raging, ferocious beasts...(that was a Maggie and the Ferocious Beast reference...any mommies that got that??).
So, why the pictures of me and Travis and why the "Glory of Debate"?
Now, I'll actually bring all these strings together. (You are welcome)
The other night, Travis and I had a two hour phone conversation. (this is normal since we don't live together yet) We were talking about the Black Panthers, the Ku Klux Klan, Republicans, Democrats, Obama, hate, opposition, and how they all affect us and what's right and what's not. Pretty heavy and volatile stuff. And, guess what? Travis and I have had really different experiences and so we don't always agree. And, we are both pretty passionate.
BUT, I don't have to stop the conversation from discomfort and from fear of him not 'liking' me because I don't agree. In fact, I have learned that he is totally turned on by the fact that I can carry my own thoughts and perceptions and that they have depth and substance. And, I don't debate just for the sake of arguing. Travis was on the debate team in high school. And, he was good at it. Still is. I'm not as good at it. And, we've had moments where I get too emotionally enmeshed and we have to clarify that we're okay.
But, I have someone who takes the time to clarify with me. Someone who is patient while I evolve into more solid understanding that I really, really, REALLY can have my own validity and beliefs and thoughts without offending others and without losing my friends or those that matter to me.
This is the GLORY part. It is glorious to be learning how much I can be loved for really being me. And, that I don't ever have to hide that or diminish. You know, I am sure that nobody in my past relationships thought that they were sending the message that I couldn't entirely believe the way I wanted. And, lots of times they probably weren't. But, how glorious to be loving someone who knows how to communicate to me how wonderful and special and fabulous he thinks it is that I am ME. And, that, for better or worse, we get to be ourselves and still make a glorious US.
So, in the end, this is really an "I love Travis" post...I am so blessed to have someone who loves so much and whom I love so much...
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