The Glory of Debate

You know, I am a bit of a people pleaser. (Go ahead, go into apoplectic shock at this incredible revelation...)
As a result, I have often in my life avoided conflict and I have often given in when faced with being challenged by someone I care about. Now, don't get me wrong, here. I don't mean that I give in entirely or that I change my viewpoints for someone else all the time. Oh, hell no. What it means is that I have often had the fear that someone won't 'like' me if I disagree with them publicly. So, I haven't really practiced this.
When I left Kevin, it was one of the first major times that I publicly called out the elephant in the room and disagreed with how it was handled. I hated the way everybody (including me at the time) pandered to his mental illness and to his cries for sympathy and to his seeming inability to get to a healthy place. I say "seeming" because that's all B.S. He was more than capable of getting off his butt and doing something about it. I am not denying or minimizing his mental and life struggles. But, he is not the possessor of a mental illness that is completely out of one's locus of control. But, that line of thinking is for another post...
It was NOT popular when I called the elephant in the room an elephant and when I said that I was tired of being trampled by this elephant. In fact, I started to get trampled by those who wanted to avoid this elephant at all costs (are you following my stretched out analogy??) I began to feel bruised and battered and I questioned whether I was even capable of knowing an elephant when I saw one (...and you thought I couldn't stretch the analogy any more....HA!). However, I learned that I am capable. I had many, many occasions where I had to look in the mirror and say "You are not crazy. You know what you have experienced. Other people denying those things does not negate them. There are many who love and support you. There are many who know of your efficacy. And, YOU are NOT crazy. You have intellect and insight. You are a good person. You are not evil. You are a wonderful mother who is trying her very best."
(...and, You're good enough, You're smart enough, & doggone it, people like you!....)

So, what do all these tangents have to do with the "Glory of Debate"? Well, allow me to keep tangent-ing toward my point (Yes, I make up words like tangent-ing...I prefer the term 'growing' words...)

The past three years have offered me a wealth of opportunities to know myself and to discover my own set of beliefs. They have been years that have been fraught with learning opportunities and with growth moments. In other words, they have been HARD.
And, in true 'human nature' form, I am extremely grateful for them and for the lessons I have learned...and, with all that gratitude present, I'd still like a break for a few months ;)...

I've learned that my opinions matter. I've learned that I have valid observations and thought processes. I'm learning that it does not mean you are fighting if you don't agree with someone. I've learned that love does not have to be conditional or contingent on AGREEING.

These may sound like obvious statements. And, they are things that I got to learn a bit in college when I had roommates. I loved all that I learned from those years. But, I was learning a basic, more shadowy version of the solid truths that I am finally stepping into. I finally believe in ME enough to feel the truth that has been present all along.

Back to the analogy (no, I do not like to let things die...I much prefer dragging them on ;), I have learned to call my own elephants when I see them. And, I have learned that I don't need to put up with those that cannot do that to themselves. I don't need to go all crazy and be mean or exclude people because they are not willing to see their own stuff. But, I realize that more than anything lately, I value those that can see their own elephants and are trying to corral them and not pretending that they really belong to that circus down the street. And, I value those who can see my elephants...but, can also see me in my various get-ups (cause we KNOW that I like to play dress-up!) trying to grab hold of the elephants and make them my lovable creatures, rather than stomping, raging, ferocious beasts...(that was a Maggie and the Ferocious Beast reference...any mommies that got that??).

So, why the pictures of me and Travis and why the "Glory of Debate"?

Now, I'll actually bring all these strings together. (You are welcome)

The other night, Travis and I had a two hour phone conversation. (this is normal since we don't live together yet) We were talking about the Black Panthers, the Ku Klux Klan, Republicans, Democrats, Obama, hate, opposition, and how they all affect us and what's right and what's not. Pretty heavy and volatile stuff. And, guess what? Travis and I have had really different experiences and so we don't always agree. And, we are both pretty passionate.

BUT, I don't have to stop the conversation from discomfort and from fear of him not 'liking' me because I don't agree. In fact, I have learned that he is totally turned on by the fact that I can carry my own thoughts and perceptions and that they have depth and substance. And, I don't debate just for the sake of arguing. Travis was on the debate team in high school. And, he was good at it. Still is. I'm not as good at it. And, we've had moments where I get too emotionally enmeshed and we have to clarify that we're okay.

But, I have someone who takes the time to clarify with me. Someone who is patient while I evolve into more solid understanding that I really, really, REALLY can have my own validity and beliefs and thoughts without offending others and without losing my friends or those that matter to me.

This is the GLORY part. It is glorious to be learning how much I can be loved for really being me. And, that I don't ever have to hide that or diminish. You know, I am sure that nobody in my past relationships thought that they were sending the message that I couldn't entirely believe the way I wanted. And, lots of times they probably weren't. But, how glorious to be loving someone who knows how to communicate to me how wonderful and special and fabulous he thinks it is that I am ME. And, that, for better or worse, we get to be ourselves and still make a glorious US.

So, in the end, this is really an "I love Travis" post...I am so blessed to have someone who loves so much and whom I love so much...






Y

Really?

Graduate School Resume

I needed to create a resume of my personal and professional accomplishments for graduate school. I created something that felt like me. I am sure it won't format the same way in the blog, but, I am certain you will get the gist ;)

Jenna Marie Stout

Professional Experience: The way I am getting closer to finding my role

Brighter Futures, Inc.

Family Consultant August 2008-present

· Work with children, primarily adolescents, who are in state’s custody and are placed at higher levels of care due to their specific needs and presenting issues (e.g. severe aggression, mental illness, sexual perpetration or victimization, autism).

· Provide in-home support, training and counseling for the foster parents and the children as needed, with a minimum of three hours a month.

· Interact with the children in a variety of environments including: school, home, court, and therapy.

· Create ways to assist the children to effectively realize the authentic and productive parts of them.

· Connect those that are involved in the child’s life together through communication, activities, and a sense of purpose regarding the child’s well-being and future.

· Create opportunities to engage and develop the child and build connection with each of them as an individual.

· Participate in developing treatment plans, educational plans, safety plans and personal goals for the children.

Achievements: Things that make me grin and feel more purpose 2007-present

· Building individual relationships of respect and caring with children who have been conditioned to mistrust, to disregard, and to shut down in difficult situations.

· Bringing teams of adults together and reigniting in them a fire and a passion for the work they are doing.

· Creating an environment where my own children have begun to heal and repair from their long-term exposure to their father’s instability and chaos.

· Removing my children from an environment that was unsafe to them physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Knowing that I may not be able to change the genetics they have inherited, but that I can influence and develop the environment they are in and the stimuli they receive. Experiencing and promoting the development of their personalities and passions.

· Not allowing a scarred and broken system (government foster care) to remove my passion for feeling things completely and for developing the authenticity in others’ to feel completely.

· Watching a deeply wounded and neglected young girl bond with the animals at the animal shelter and knowing that she is thriving in school for the first time in her life.

Hobbies, Interests, Volunteering: Discovering how to be engaged in time

· Running 2008-present

Pursuing a lifelong goal of being more physically fit and allowing my body to be the accurate communicator that it naturally is. I am currently involved in a six month training program to run my first marathon.

· Playing/Imagining 1979-present

There was quite a break in this, while I allowed the distractions of adulthood and others’ struggles to detract from this natural part of myself. However, it has taken the forefront again in the form of pursuing creativity with myself, with my children, with the children I work with, and with as many adults as will come bearing the key (or the desire to find the key) to their own imaginations.

· Traveling 1995-present This is a quest to see things that I have not seen, feel things I have not felt, be exposed to people I haven’t uncovered yet, and know that there are multiple perspectives to every scene and experience. I believe that we can develop better our empathy and connection with others through being involved in their world and the way they experience things. There is education and knowledge that we can gain through each other that is untapped any other way. There is a whole world for me to view and a whole world of people who have something to showcase. This pursuit has allowed me to connect with people, inspire people, and more fully know myself.

· Photography 1994-present Photography has given me the opportunity to capture memories and journal my life, as well as volunteer this passion in ways that can enhance others. I delight in the idea that a camera can capture a moment, as well as provide insights and variations that were not immediately visible. I have been able to use this for others by photographing events or moments in their lives that are epochal to them, e.g. family memories, maternity, swing dancing.

Gifting the Stars

I want to write some about this before the details blur a bit in my memory...

On January 8, 2010, I got my Christmas gift from Ben. We spent the night in Springville. Ben

made certain we went to bed early. He woke us up at 1:40 in the morning. We got dressed

in lots of layers and got in the car. While driving, Ben made some sandwiches and munched

on some food. He made sure that I ate something, because we would need energy...lots of it.

We drove 15-20 minutes south and east. We parked off of a dirt road blocked by gates

preventing any automobile thru traffic. We put on a few more layers and began to walk.

This was at 2:15 a.m.

We were walking toward a trailhead (that much I knew) that you used to be able to drive up to.

Now, it's a 2-3 mile hike in (to the trailhead).

I must make mention now of the STARS. They were brilliant. They were so bright and plentiful.

I saw a shooting star within the first few minutes...it would end up being the first of five that I saw...

Ben was pretty focused while heading for the trail. He wanted to make certain that we did not miss

the trailhead. Ben taught me that if I pulled my fingers out of their places in the gloves and balled

my hands up inside the glove (more like wearing a mitten) that my fingers would warm quicker.

He was right :)! It worked.

The mountains were so high that the moon only made special appearances. When she did, it was

like being bathed in her light. About halfway through the first portion, I began to sing to keep my

mouth warm (having found on a previous, recent walk that this works well :)...). And, I felt so light

and sparkly inside with anticipation that singing definitely seemed to be my natural response :)!

I sang "Dream a Little Dream"...it seemed perfect:

'Stars shining bright above you...Night breezes seem to whisper 'I love you'..." a few times.

Then, I walked for a while and reveled some more.

Then, as the moon began to enchant us with her brief and glorious appearances, I began to sing

"Bei Mir, Bist Du Schein" from Swing Kids. Seem strange? Well, it fit perfectly into the moment

for me :).

"Bei Mir, Bist Du Schein, please let me explain...Bei Mir, Bist Du Schein means that you're

grand. Bei Mir, Bist Du Schein, again I'll explain...it means you're the fairest in the land...I could say

Bella! Bella! even say Bun De Bar, each language only helps to tell you...how GRAND you are....!"

And, how grand was the moon!! And, how grand were the feelings I had in that moment about

myself and about Ben! So grand and wonderful that I burst into song :).

Once we got to the trail head safely, Ben visibly relaxed and got really, really excited. The trail was

called Diamond Fork Trail. He held his hands open and said: It's time,

you can open your gift now

(He said this with the most endearing, palpable sense of anticipatory excitement on his face

and in his smile!).

So, off we went...

What had been a road (albeit snow covered and surrounded by mountains), became a trail.

In some places, the trail was only wide enough for a single person...who needed to be paying

attention or else it was a damn steep drop into an icy river. For the first little while on the trail, I was

so nervous about my own perception that I am inexperienced (therefore inept) at these things, that

all the wanting to be good at them and the wanting to do them wouldn't matter and I would fail and

fall into the river (forcing an icy, miserable rescue and the ruination of this lovely gifted experience).

My imagination went pretty hog wild for a little while. Luckily (well, it wasn't luck...but...), even with all

the excitement that was driving him to walk even faster than his normal fast walk,

Ben accurately noticed my internal struggle.

First, he taught me that keeping my head warm really does warm up my toes! My head wasn't cold!

But, my toes were freezing and it was adding to the thoughts and imaginings that I was too inept for

this. I mean, they were really painfully cold. Ben looked at me and said, let me show you something

MAGIC. And, he added one of his beanies to my head wrap and then covered it all with the hood

of my sweatshirt. He said, watch...your toes are going to warm up now.

He was right! It was MAGIC :)!!

Still feeling a bit stung from these negative thoughts about myself (but feeling a bit better as my toes

warmed), I kept trying to just relax and focus on the fun and the delight of it. But, sometimes when

there is a negative cycle creeping in, breaking out of it isn't as easy as "Hey, stop thinking like that..."

Once again, Ben paid more attention to his perceptions than to my assurances that I was okay...

(Good call on his part!). He had me put on a head lamp and put it on the soft setting. He showed

me how it would light up the path so that I could see where I was stepping.

Once I could see where my feet were landing and once we established that I hadn't ruined this for

him with my 20 minute foray into my 'pale-pink psyche' (isn't it crazy how fast those internal

thoughts can snowball into an avalanche of doubt?! I was sure that I was 'ruining' the gift he was

giving me by my ineptitude...darn those conditioned fears and such!!!), I began to look around me

again. It was...

MARVELOUS! The beauty was so splendid that it felt magical. I had the phrase "Winter

Wonderland" come into my mind...and, I thought that whoever wrote that song still hadn't done justice

to what I was seeing. I wanted to photograph it so that I could go back there often and take others

there with the imagery...but, it was so cold that the camera wouldn't work. So, I didn't get to take a

picture of how the ends of Ben's hair and the bottom of his beard were covered with ice and frost.

He looked like a wintry elf!

The soft light from the headlamp gave the snow a chance to sparkle. It was phenomenal. I feel

like there are not enough descriptive words in the English language to illustrate the glory of what

I was experiencing. The snow was coating the trees. The trees were arched and branched over

the trail for many portions...providing a natural and non-restrictive roof of sorts. I need to say again

that the snow just SPARKLED! It looked as though it were glittering with diamonds and points of

light. As if the stars were caressing the snow and showing us.

After a while longer, Ben let himself get ahead of me. As I was walking and being captivated

by the blankets of stars and the mischievous appearances from the moon, I heard a howl.

I called back. I heard another. Then, as it began to be misty and the path got a bit cloaked, I heard:

Jenna Marie! Welcome to Atlantis!

This is to celebrate YOU!

And, as I began to laugh...from my belly in that pure, delightful, newborn manner,

I saw Ben standing in a hot spring. (That I certainly was not expecting!)

I ran down the path and he hopped out in order to help me get in.

After a frenzied and occasionally clumsy rush :), I was ready to get in...and, I was definitely ready!

It was DELICIOUS. It was DELECTABLE. It was AMBROSIAL.

It was HEAVENLY. It was LUSCIOUS. It was DREAMY.

I honestly feel that words are inadequate to wrap around the experience.

The feelings seem too resplendent and magnificent and enormous and deep to have

words encompass them. [I'll keep trying, though :)]

The water was perfect. We explored a bit, but ended up sinking into the first pool the most.

I lay back and it felt as though the stars wouldn't ever end and would never go away.

That was the gift, you see :).

Ben knows that I LOVE stars. I have a happy place in my head (like Peter Pan).

My happy place has been imagery that shows me dancing and twirling among and in the stars.

Ever since I was a little girl (I was able to relate a memory from when I was 6),

I have found comfort, fascination and enchantment in the stars.

So, Ben gifted me a moment that would celebrate ME. He gifted me the Stars.

It was only him and me up there. We got about 2 hours of starlight before the sun came up over

the mountains. (The sun rose at about 7 a.m....it took about 3 hours to hike in). We got 2 warm,

soothing, and remarkable hours before we were given the first hints of the sun coming to take

its place in the sky.

The sky welcomed the sun. And, the stars faded away. Ben and I were together as we watched

the last few stars tuck away to allow the sun its chance to shine. It felt so natural and so flowing...

the cycles of the earth and of nature. The silence there was filled with so much glorious music

of the Earth being Herself.

Ben had brought up food in a backpack. He brought some of my homemade granola, dried

strawberries, craisins, dates, cheese [I have a charming mental snapshot of Ben nibbling on the

cheese ;)], yummy wheat bread and bottled water. The hike up had frozen our water pretty thoroughly.

We had to use the heat from the springs to soften the glaciers inside the bottles enough to get

some of the water trapped inside ;). So, a little while after sunrise, we ate some of what he had

brought. It felt so...appropriate, somehow.

The daylight only solidified my captivation for this place. Although the stars had retired

(to rest for their return that evening), the sun shone on captivating and dazzling blue/green pools

of naturally heated water. We went hunting up the river to find what other pools were there.

While the air was frigid, the water was not...and something about the contrast and the way

they melted together in the middle was really lovely and enticing. We went through the shallow

river, trying not to slip on the mossy stones and giggling once in a while [okay, I was the giggler ;)]

at the childlike wonder of it all. We found a few more springs that had varying temperatures.

We found one that was hot to the point of potential scalding...but felt like a wet sauna and was

really relaxing when used in moderate amounts.

After exploring a while, we went back to our "home" pool and played in that one. We got to have

engaging conversation and some profound silences. It was so exhilarating and reassuring to have

someone that I could be quiet with and not worry about 'entertaining', and that I could be chattery

with and not worry about 'annoying', and that I could be serious with and not worry about 'scaring off'.

In essence, I was ME.

I felt very, very gifted. I feel CELEBRATED. And, it showed as I became more and more of ME

the longer we were out there and together.

We stayed until about two in the afternoon. Within about a half hour of beginning our 3 hour hike out,

we passed someone headed to the springs. By the time we reached the car, we had passed three

other groups of people, with another group parking behind us.

(It's the most people Ben has ever seen there).

So, we felt really fortunate to have had 9 hours there alone and uninterrupted and able to enjoy

and revel in each other and ourselves.

We got to the car a little after five in the evening.

The sun was already beginning her descent behind the mountains to make way for the stars.

We got to have the most alluring and submerged and lovely time together.

I didn't get to take any pictures because of the cold. So, the snapshots in my memory will be

honored and kept sacred...

We would've taken a picture of my frosted hair that was silvery in the moonlight.

I would've taken a picture of Ben nibbling the cheese.

I would've taken a picture of Ben allowing the hot water to run over his belly and watching his body

relax completely.

I would've taken a picture of the two of us scampering over the rocks.

I would've taken a picture looking down into the water to illustrate how clear and blue and magical

it was.

I would've taken pictures of the trail on the way in with the snow, the icy crystals,

the diamond gleams, the heavy branches, the rushing river, and the moonlit moments.

The song I included in this post is 'Constellations' by Jack Johnson.

I hadn't heard it until today...yes, the narrator of my life knows that I always, always

want a soundtrack to my life...The version I heard and included is a live version that includes

Eddie Vedder singing with Jack Johnson.

I have enjoyed Eddie Vedder since I was 13 years old :). So, it seemed perfect.

The song seems to capture a bit of the essence of what I experienced in receiving this gift. Their voices seem to melt together

the way the elements did at the hot springs. "....oh the stories across the sky...and drew our own constellations..." The

feelings I get listening to it take me right back to that fresh memory of being gifted the stars.

The words to the song are:

"Constellations"

The light was leaving
In the west it was blue
The children's laughter sang
And skipping just like the stones that they threw
Their voices echoed across the way
Its getting late

It was just another night
With a sunset
And a moonrise not so far behind
To give us just enough light
To lay down underneath the stars
Listen to papas translations
Of the stories across the sky
We drew our own constellations

The west winds often last too long
And, when they calm down
Nothing ever feels the same
Sheltered under the Kamani tree
Waiting for the passing rain
Clouds keep moving to uncover the scene
Stars above us chasing the day away
To find the stories that we sometimes need
Listen close enough
All else fades
Fades away

It was just another night
With a sunset
And a moonrise not so far behind
To give us just enough light
To lay down underneath the stars
Listen to all the translations
Of the stories across the sky
We drew our own constellations

Balancing Act (ing)

So, I have been thinking about the core of who we are and what we stand for. I think that everyone has a truth within themselves that is the most accurate part of them. I think that lots of people term it as different things and that it doesn't really matter what we call it...so long as we acknowledge and honor it. Whether we call it our spirit, our soul, our authentic self, our core, our truth, our inner light, our pure person, our person, our divinity...whatever the name...it exists. And, our happiness is linked to how in tune our life is with that part of us. In psychology, we talk about congruence. That you cannot have peace unless there is congruence in your life. If you believe something (and it is truly what you believe), you cannot go against it without it causing some incongruence within you. Sometimes, it is called 'Cognitive Dissonance'. Really, it just means we are imbalanced...or out of balance.

So, how do we act balanced?

And, then, is it just acting?

Can you 'act' balanced...and not be accurate? I guess this is like 'faking calm' a bit. I recently said to someone that I cannot fake calm. I mean, a person (particularly one who is used to putting on a bit of a show or pleasing others or being socially correct), can have a calm demeanor...even when they have oceans of inner turmoil. I am not proclaiming that I don't at times "put on a happy face" or act as though I am calm even when I am not. However, my body does not experience peace and calm that is not real or solid. It cannot. I cannot deceive my own body. I can skirt around it and I can deny it (which I am getting better at not doing...but, still need more practice...). But, I cannot fake it.

I used to get crap for being fake (Jennifer knows specifically what I am referencing). I really did not see a point in taking my stuff (whatever I was dealing with on my own, behind the scenes, at home...whatever) out on other people. So, I think that I overcompensated quite a bit for a lot of years. And, that came across as fake at times. I even got diagnosed with this (NOT kidding!). I had one of Kevin's therapists tell me that I am so nice and so helpful and so giving...that there will be times that I could be perceived as not being possible...nobody could be THAT _____ (fill in happy, glowing adjective).

Back to my point...I don't mind the occasional ramble, though...

We all have a part of us that needs to find balance. We need to find whatever our balance is. That is what so much of our life is about. I think that we spend a majority of our time (whether we are conscious of it or not...unfortunately, often not...) trying to figure out where our accuracies are. We have a lot of conditioned versions of what the terms should be and what things should look like that will equal happiness/peace/balance/authentic.

I think, though, that it is a different frequency for most of us. And, that there is an art and a life pursuit in finding the frequency that gets you the most in tune with YOU. Many of us get lost in the thoughts of connecting with others. While that should deservedly be a passionate goal, if it becomes the focus, then we will never achieve it completely. It will eclipse the possibility of being in tune with the most inner truths in YOU. It seems a bit backward to say that we will get the best results with others by being self-centered. But, we will. Not in our conditioned thinking of self-centered. But, truly centered on the self within.

While there may be several near fits and lots of things that get us closer to ourselves, I do think that there is an ideal frequency in each of us that allows people to come together in a stunning orchestra of blended harmony. When each of us is in tune to our particular individual frequency, I think that creates the most broad and delicious opportunities to be in tune with each other.

And, THAT is worth a life pursuit. And, THAT is as memorable and stunning as the most divine visual in existence. And, THAT is what I want.

Deerhunter

What a pity and a waste to go through a stunning forest

and not know there are deer there.

How dismaying to be so unaware.

How pathetic to be looking at something and not see it at all.

Knowing that deer make their home among the trees

is imperative to experiencing their beauty and truth.

But, what of the ones who are aware of the deer and go hunting for them?

It is intriguing to note that the deer tend to hide from them.

As though the deer can sense that their safety is being threatened.

As though their natural truths are being compromised.

So, are those that hunt the deer much better off in the end

than the ones who are not even aware that deer exist?

Perhaps. But, by how much?

Being aware is only the first step toward beauty and truth.

What of those who know the deer exist-

And, who use that awareness to create the space for the deer

to come out and display their natural selves?

Perhaps those that do not go hunting for the deer

are abel to find so many more.

And, when they do happen upon them and discover them,

they will be seeing them in their true and glorious state.

Perhaps this is how life's truths are uncovered.

Not by being unaware

Not by hunting

But, by allowing them to come forth

in their most natural state.

Questions

How will we get through this thickness and distraction

How will we uncover the parts that are ours

How will we create the space we deserve

Why is it not something that we get to have

Where is the land of fairy tale dreams

Where are the places where emerald eclipses the pain

Where is our nook to see through to the golden sky

How will we escape the tormenters

Why are we surrounded by so many

Why are the few so powerful that they feel like many

Why do we give them the power to take

How do we reclaim that power and tell them no

How do we turn and see what is really there

Where are the lenses of reality

Where is the glory and hope of accuracy

Where is the land that provides us respite

Where is the pocket of cozy, tucked in dreaming

Why does this so often feel like a fight

Why do we not get to keep the moments that are ours

The moments that are tinged in crimson and silver

And wrapped in jewels and gold

Where is the place that we get to enjoy the journey

Where do we get to uncover the map to our destination

With excitement, intrigue and mysterious delight

Why do we not get to have what is ours

Why is it being taken away

Are we among those that are taking it away

How do we stop the cycle of destruction

How do we uncover the foundation that we feel

That our subtle bodies can tingle and respond to

How do we stick to the truths that are rooted in us

Not the way they have been portrayed

Not the way they have been conditioned

Not the way they have been stunted

How do we go with our intrinsic and pure truths

Why is this being taken away

And, are we inadvertently part of those taking