16

Do you remember 16?
Isn't it interesting that when we do, it is with wavy memories?
At this point in my life, 16 seems rather charmed.
I remember boys and first kisses, first holding hands, first dates.
I remember family holiday gatherings with food and teasing Tyler.
Oh, and pretending they all weren't going to get high when our family left.
I remember dying my hair black for Halloween and then, oops!
It will not wash out. Dang, my hair was REALLY black.
I remember Mrs. Anderson's english class and I remember the quad at lunch.
I remember Janae and Elizabeth, Gretchen and Jamie, Cindy U., Jackie,
Nicole and Amy, Christian and Emily, Danielle and Michelle...and various others.
I remember crushing on the other Vorce brother. I was so NOT into Matt.
It was the other one (Jared).
I remember seminary at the Killian's house and junior prom. Janae and I spent that night at Desiree's. My mom spent way too much money on that dress. I think my wedding dress cost less (maybe that's appropriate...)
I remember Girls Just Wanna Have Fun! Church Dances. Swing Dancing!
I remember my surprise 16th bday party (nope, not at all a surprise).
I remember youth conference and girls camp and I remember when I started dating Kyle.
That was the year we had Trish and Cindy as advisors in church. It was also the year Jennifer and I vacationed to Vegas and Utah.

16 seems so sparkly and charmed. I remember how much I dreamed that year. I remember imagining and creating. I remember the possibilities that the world was holding for me to come and get.

Maybe that's why I don't remember quite as quickly the disappointments and frustrations. I don't remember that Jamie got pregnant that year and didn't have an abortion for that one. I don't remember that my family gatherings were filled with trauma and drama and usually involved me cooking and cleaning for the event. I don't remember that I had to live with Cindy for a month because my family life was so nuts. I don't remember that we really thought we were fat in high school (why do girls do that?) I don't remember how scared I was to have a boyfriend. I don't remember how much Lorna struggled that year (and many subsequent years). I don't remember how I didn't get to do so many things because of the consumption of my home life. I don't remember that I smoked marijuana with Jerry three times (never did anything to me). I don't remember that Jerry got my little brother high (okay, I didn't know that until later...Adam was only 11!!) I don't remember going to Gretchen's house and watching Jamie drink while she was pregnant...as her dad supplied the alcohol. I don't remember the fear when my dad found out I was with Jerry. Or the shame. I don't remember the fatigue from being up late with drama and up early for seminary...oh and going to school, too.

Perhaps it is best that we tend to streamline our memories as we get further away from them. I do not find benefit in being unrealistic or lacking accountability or in denying parts of yourself. However, I am glad that before I remember all the other things, I get to remember my dreams and my imaginings and my creations. That is the part of 16 year old Jenna I want to retain and build on.