Conflicted Jenna

I had my last night of my current class tonight. Those who know me well know that I am pretty damn open with what is going on in my life or has gone on in my life and giving people some of the bare facts of things (even if I don't always give them the emotion involved). So, those who attend school with me learn fairly quickly some of the basics of my life and many of the things that have contributed to where I am at now.

I had a conversation with my instructor after class. I was visiting with some of the other class members and the instructor, Greg, said he wanted to talk to me and he had some feedback for me if I didn't mind. Although my first thought was that I would get reamed for my lack of timeliness on assignments, of course my curiosity was far too overwhelming. So, I waited until everyone else talked to him and said their goodbyes and then walked out with him. Now, he and I had some conversations throughout the course of the class and of course there is always my using my life as examples for many of the discussion topics.
Well, Greg got straight to the point. He said that he had observed that I was currently in this huge life struggle between the unhealthy Jenna from the past (my childhood, my conditioning, my marriage, etc) and the healthy Jenna trying and scratching and fighting to emerge. He said that he wished he had a crystal ball or something so that he could be privy to how it was going to play out. He said that he is pretty confident that the healthy Jenna will win, but that he can see the enormity of the conflict. He talked about how amazing the potential me he sees is and how he just really wants to see how it comes forth.
I appreciated his candor and told him so and then we talked about some of the specifics.

THIS is the crux of what is going on in my life right now. There is this consistent internal battle between doing what I need to do in order to access the healthy Jenna versus doing what my conditioning or my guilt or my past or my negative self-talk or the negative people around me influence me to do. This is really, really, REALLY what I am doing internally in almost every moment of every day. I am fighting to get the most healthy Jenna to get the hell out of all of the chaotic noise around me and some of what's in me.

I get to choose healthy. It is not always easy. In fact, most of the time, it's ridiculously difficult. But, I GET TO CHOOSE. I have never liked anybody playing the victim role. But, society often allows this in subtle, manipulative ways. I get to choose to be healthy. I do not have to feel guilt for doing the things that will get Healthy Jenna out. Because healthy Jenna is a rockstar mother, friend, lover, sister, daughter, grand-daughter, & PERSON. I get to be her. And, it's not the her that someone else tells me about. It's the healthy her that is inherently there.

I am fascinated by human dynamics and why people do what they do and how groups influence people and how our internal structure shapes us. I think it's a little funny that the instructor was so fascinated by ME. But, mostly I am appreciative that he noticed some of the nuances and paid attention to what was beneath the surface and what wants to surface.