Gifting the Stars

I want to write some about this before the details blur a bit in my memory...

On January 8, 2010, I got my Christmas gift from Ben. We spent the night in Springville. Ben

made certain we went to bed early. He woke us up at 1:40 in the morning. We got dressed

in lots of layers and got in the car. While driving, Ben made some sandwiches and munched

on some food. He made sure that I ate something, because we would need energy...lots of it.

We drove 15-20 minutes south and east. We parked off of a dirt road blocked by gates

preventing any automobile thru traffic. We put on a few more layers and began to walk.

This was at 2:15 a.m.

We were walking toward a trailhead (that much I knew) that you used to be able to drive up to.

Now, it's a 2-3 mile hike in (to the trailhead).

I must make mention now of the STARS. They were brilliant. They were so bright and plentiful.

I saw a shooting star within the first few minutes...it would end up being the first of five that I saw...

Ben was pretty focused while heading for the trail. He wanted to make certain that we did not miss

the trailhead. Ben taught me that if I pulled my fingers out of their places in the gloves and balled

my hands up inside the glove (more like wearing a mitten) that my fingers would warm quicker.

He was right :)! It worked.

The mountains were so high that the moon only made special appearances. When she did, it was

like being bathed in her light. About halfway through the first portion, I began to sing to keep my

mouth warm (having found on a previous, recent walk that this works well :)...). And, I felt so light

and sparkly inside with anticipation that singing definitely seemed to be my natural response :)!

I sang "Dream a Little Dream"...it seemed perfect:

'Stars shining bright above you...Night breezes seem to whisper 'I love you'..." a few times.

Then, I walked for a while and reveled some more.

Then, as the moon began to enchant us with her brief and glorious appearances, I began to sing

"Bei Mir, Bist Du Schein" from Swing Kids. Seem strange? Well, it fit perfectly into the moment

for me :).

"Bei Mir, Bist Du Schein, please let me explain...Bei Mir, Bist Du Schein means that you're

grand. Bei Mir, Bist Du Schein, again I'll explain...it means you're the fairest in the land...I could say

Bella! Bella! even say Bun De Bar, each language only helps to tell you...how GRAND you are....!"

And, how grand was the moon!! And, how grand were the feelings I had in that moment about

myself and about Ben! So grand and wonderful that I burst into song :).

Once we got to the trail head safely, Ben visibly relaxed and got really, really excited. The trail was

called Diamond Fork Trail. He held his hands open and said: It's time,

you can open your gift now

(He said this with the most endearing, palpable sense of anticipatory excitement on his face

and in his smile!).

So, off we went...

What had been a road (albeit snow covered and surrounded by mountains), became a trail.

In some places, the trail was only wide enough for a single person...who needed to be paying

attention or else it was a damn steep drop into an icy river. For the first little while on the trail, I was

so nervous about my own perception that I am inexperienced (therefore inept) at these things, that

all the wanting to be good at them and the wanting to do them wouldn't matter and I would fail and

fall into the river (forcing an icy, miserable rescue and the ruination of this lovely gifted experience).

My imagination went pretty hog wild for a little while. Luckily (well, it wasn't luck...but...), even with all

the excitement that was driving him to walk even faster than his normal fast walk,

Ben accurately noticed my internal struggle.

First, he taught me that keeping my head warm really does warm up my toes! My head wasn't cold!

But, my toes were freezing and it was adding to the thoughts and imaginings that I was too inept for

this. I mean, they were really painfully cold. Ben looked at me and said, let me show you something

MAGIC. And, he added one of his beanies to my head wrap and then covered it all with the hood

of my sweatshirt. He said, watch...your toes are going to warm up now.

He was right! It was MAGIC :)!!

Still feeling a bit stung from these negative thoughts about myself (but feeling a bit better as my toes

warmed), I kept trying to just relax and focus on the fun and the delight of it. But, sometimes when

there is a negative cycle creeping in, breaking out of it isn't as easy as "Hey, stop thinking like that..."

Once again, Ben paid more attention to his perceptions than to my assurances that I was okay...

(Good call on his part!). He had me put on a head lamp and put it on the soft setting. He showed

me how it would light up the path so that I could see where I was stepping.

Once I could see where my feet were landing and once we established that I hadn't ruined this for

him with my 20 minute foray into my 'pale-pink psyche' (isn't it crazy how fast those internal

thoughts can snowball into an avalanche of doubt?! I was sure that I was 'ruining' the gift he was

giving me by my ineptitude...darn those conditioned fears and such!!!), I began to look around me

again. It was...

MARVELOUS! The beauty was so splendid that it felt magical. I had the phrase "Winter

Wonderland" come into my mind...and, I thought that whoever wrote that song still hadn't done justice

to what I was seeing. I wanted to photograph it so that I could go back there often and take others

there with the imagery...but, it was so cold that the camera wouldn't work. So, I didn't get to take a

picture of how the ends of Ben's hair and the bottom of his beard were covered with ice and frost.

He looked like a wintry elf!

The soft light from the headlamp gave the snow a chance to sparkle. It was phenomenal. I feel

like there are not enough descriptive words in the English language to illustrate the glory of what

I was experiencing. The snow was coating the trees. The trees were arched and branched over

the trail for many portions...providing a natural and non-restrictive roof of sorts. I need to say again

that the snow just SPARKLED! It looked as though it were glittering with diamonds and points of

light. As if the stars were caressing the snow and showing us.

After a while longer, Ben let himself get ahead of me. As I was walking and being captivated

by the blankets of stars and the mischievous appearances from the moon, I heard a howl.

I called back. I heard another. Then, as it began to be misty and the path got a bit cloaked, I heard:

Jenna Marie! Welcome to Atlantis!

This is to celebrate YOU!

And, as I began to laugh...from my belly in that pure, delightful, newborn manner,

I saw Ben standing in a hot spring. (That I certainly was not expecting!)

I ran down the path and he hopped out in order to help me get in.

After a frenzied and occasionally clumsy rush :), I was ready to get in...and, I was definitely ready!

It was DELICIOUS. It was DELECTABLE. It was AMBROSIAL.

It was HEAVENLY. It was LUSCIOUS. It was DREAMY.

I honestly feel that words are inadequate to wrap around the experience.

The feelings seem too resplendent and magnificent and enormous and deep to have

words encompass them. [I'll keep trying, though :)]

The water was perfect. We explored a bit, but ended up sinking into the first pool the most.

I lay back and it felt as though the stars wouldn't ever end and would never go away.

That was the gift, you see :).

Ben knows that I LOVE stars. I have a happy place in my head (like Peter Pan).

My happy place has been imagery that shows me dancing and twirling among and in the stars.

Ever since I was a little girl (I was able to relate a memory from when I was 6),

I have found comfort, fascination and enchantment in the stars.

So, Ben gifted me a moment that would celebrate ME. He gifted me the Stars.

It was only him and me up there. We got about 2 hours of starlight before the sun came up over

the mountains. (The sun rose at about 7 a.m....it took about 3 hours to hike in). We got 2 warm,

soothing, and remarkable hours before we were given the first hints of the sun coming to take

its place in the sky.

The sky welcomed the sun. And, the stars faded away. Ben and I were together as we watched

the last few stars tuck away to allow the sun its chance to shine. It felt so natural and so flowing...

the cycles of the earth and of nature. The silence there was filled with so much glorious music

of the Earth being Herself.

Ben had brought up food in a backpack. He brought some of my homemade granola, dried

strawberries, craisins, dates, cheese [I have a charming mental snapshot of Ben nibbling on the

cheese ;)], yummy wheat bread and bottled water. The hike up had frozen our water pretty thoroughly.

We had to use the heat from the springs to soften the glaciers inside the bottles enough to get

some of the water trapped inside ;). So, a little while after sunrise, we ate some of what he had

brought. It felt so...appropriate, somehow.

The daylight only solidified my captivation for this place. Although the stars had retired

(to rest for their return that evening), the sun shone on captivating and dazzling blue/green pools

of naturally heated water. We went hunting up the river to find what other pools were there.

While the air was frigid, the water was not...and something about the contrast and the way

they melted together in the middle was really lovely and enticing. We went through the shallow

river, trying not to slip on the mossy stones and giggling once in a while [okay, I was the giggler ;)]

at the childlike wonder of it all. We found a few more springs that had varying temperatures.

We found one that was hot to the point of potential scalding...but felt like a wet sauna and was

really relaxing when used in moderate amounts.

After exploring a while, we went back to our "home" pool and played in that one. We got to have

engaging conversation and some profound silences. It was so exhilarating and reassuring to have

someone that I could be quiet with and not worry about 'entertaining', and that I could be chattery

with and not worry about 'annoying', and that I could be serious with and not worry about 'scaring off'.

In essence, I was ME.

I felt very, very gifted. I feel CELEBRATED. And, it showed as I became more and more of ME

the longer we were out there and together.

We stayed until about two in the afternoon. Within about a half hour of beginning our 3 hour hike out,

we passed someone headed to the springs. By the time we reached the car, we had passed three

other groups of people, with another group parking behind us.

(It's the most people Ben has ever seen there).

So, we felt really fortunate to have had 9 hours there alone and uninterrupted and able to enjoy

and revel in each other and ourselves.

We got to the car a little after five in the evening.

The sun was already beginning her descent behind the mountains to make way for the stars.

We got to have the most alluring and submerged and lovely time together.

I didn't get to take any pictures because of the cold. So, the snapshots in my memory will be

honored and kept sacred...

We would've taken a picture of my frosted hair that was silvery in the moonlight.

I would've taken a picture of Ben nibbling the cheese.

I would've taken a picture of Ben allowing the hot water to run over his belly and watching his body

relax completely.

I would've taken a picture of the two of us scampering over the rocks.

I would've taken a picture looking down into the water to illustrate how clear and blue and magical

it was.

I would've taken pictures of the trail on the way in with the snow, the icy crystals,

the diamond gleams, the heavy branches, the rushing river, and the moonlit moments.

The song I included in this post is 'Constellations' by Jack Johnson.

I hadn't heard it until today...yes, the narrator of my life knows that I always, always

want a soundtrack to my life...The version I heard and included is a live version that includes

Eddie Vedder singing with Jack Johnson.

I have enjoyed Eddie Vedder since I was 13 years old :). So, it seemed perfect.

The song seems to capture a bit of the essence of what I experienced in receiving this gift. Their voices seem to melt together

the way the elements did at the hot springs. "....oh the stories across the sky...and drew our own constellations..." The

feelings I get listening to it take me right back to that fresh memory of being gifted the stars.

The words to the song are:

"Constellations"

The light was leaving
In the west it was blue
The children's laughter sang
And skipping just like the stones that they threw
Their voices echoed across the way
Its getting late

It was just another night
With a sunset
And a moonrise not so far behind
To give us just enough light
To lay down underneath the stars
Listen to papas translations
Of the stories across the sky
We drew our own constellations

The west winds often last too long
And, when they calm down
Nothing ever feels the same
Sheltered under the Kamani tree
Waiting for the passing rain
Clouds keep moving to uncover the scene
Stars above us chasing the day away
To find the stories that we sometimes need
Listen close enough
All else fades
Fades away

It was just another night
With a sunset
And a moonrise not so far behind
To give us just enough light
To lay down underneath the stars
Listen to all the translations
Of the stories across the sky
We drew our own constellations